The Lord of the Phone
by YamiCarol
Summary: Basically a parody where the Fellowship has been replaced by me and my friends; chaos ensues while Glorfindel just tags along. Read and review, flames will be sent back to burn you.
1. Introduction

Me: Well, howdy do everyone! Here to bring a bit of quirkiness into the otherwise so serious world of LOTR!

Glorfindel: I still don't see why I have to ride a squirrel.

Me: Well, of you hadn't attacked Arwen like that…

Glorfindel: She STOLE my role!

Me:^^ We know, we know. Hush now and do it.

Glorfindel: 'grumble' YamiCarol doesn't own LOTR or any of it's characters; she does however own most of the OCs in this fic and the obnoxious squirrel.

Me: And my Shika-plushie! 'hugs said plushie tightly' Now on with the show!

* * *

Well then, everyone! First a little introduction on what exactly I'm writing here:

As dear Glor said, most of the charas that will appear in this fic will be OCs; you should be able to recognise them nonetheless! As this is a parody on LOTR, none of this actually happens in the book (duh), but it is something my friends and I decided to kind of invent to have fun.

Basically these are just short sketches we talk about; I then write them down and put them up here! Mostly completely random, but funny nonetheless!

Now to introduce:

Mithranda (Gandalf): This is my chara; she has brown hair tied in a bun, blue eyes, and rectangle glasses, she wears Gandalf's usual outfit, but the fake beard is hanging down loosely, so it's pretty clear. She also carries around a Nara Shikamaru-plushie and is generally an otaku with a bit of an OCD complex.

Ariagon (Aragorn): This is ChaliceGarden's chara; she has long, slightly wavy black hair, brown eyes and an Asian complexion; her outfit is just like the one Aragorn wears in the movie. Ariagon is scruffy and unwashed/handsome (wouldn't you be if you spent months in the wild?) and is basically the only sensible one in the Fellowship. Doesn't mean she doesn't get goofy though!

Frieda (Frodo): This is another of my friends' chara; basically her story is that she received the phone and was told to bring it all the way to Mount Doom to ask for a refund, since all the people who owned it have mysteriously gone mad (yes, I'm talking about Gollum, but he's not up yet). As you can guess that's what happens to her as well XD Chaos may ensue! Her outfit is similar to Frodo's, but she has long and straight blond hair and blue eyes; we just call her the Phonebearer.

Pippin (or Peregrina): You guessed it! Another friend's chara! This one is a energetic troublemaker, but only if she doesn't get into trouble. During fights she can be counted on to sit quietly at the sidelines and cheer on the Home party! Wears Pippin's outfit, of course; Has extremely scruffy, short and ginger hair and green eyes (though I'm not so sure anymore)and wears a black headband.

Stevolas (Legolas): This chara belongs to a friend who'd rather not join in, but we like to poke fun at him, so there ya go! xP Described rather nicely by ChaliceGarden as 'pretty and sparkly', so basically we just put him in like so many other author's; a 'gayish', vain elf who likes to point out how much fairer he is. He has long black hair and a very dark skintone with dark-brown eyes.

There you have the OC charas! This basically makes up the Fellowship in these sketches, since we don't have anyone else who'd like to join in, and it would be an irritating pain to write out the other charas in every single sketch. Fans of Boromir, Sam and Merry, you're outta luck. We do bring in the occasional cameos of original charas; one for instance is the tiny Glorfindel following Frieda on a squirrel (and trying very hard not to be stepped on).

Also set to come up are:

Galadriel

Balrog

Orkses

That's all for now. Since these sketches are made up spontaneously and without given warning, do not worry about the uneven addition of chappies; I write this entirely for our amusement, and flames will be sent back to burn down your houses. Thanks for listening and have fun!

PS: These sketches are actually funnier when done manga-style. ChaliceGarden will definitely be doing them someday (no pressure so no clue when), but if any of you feel like attempting this, you're more than welcome to!


	2. The decision to go to Moria

Author's Note : To those of you who decided to continue reading, THANK YOU ! Here's the first sketch! Please note that, since they're sketches, don't be surprised if they appear in random order. someday I might arrange them chronologically, but not right now.

* * *

The decision to go to Moria: (this takes place on Caradhras)

Stevolas: (sings) "I feel pretty; pretty so pretty and-" 'bonk'

Ariagon: (didn't turn around as she hit S with scabbard) "-telling you it's too dangerous to go over the mountain! We should go through the Mines of Moria!"

Mithranda: (clears throat; tries to act serious aka like Ian McKellen) "Let the Phonebearer decide!"

(Everyone turns to Frieda; she's currently wildly snapping pictures of the mountains and the snow with her phone, a dangerous gleam in her eye. Everyone turns back to M)

Mithranda: (resolve slipping) B-but… It's dark… and dangerous… (teary-eyed) and scary!"

Ariagon: (firmly) "We don't have a choice!"

Mithranda: (flaying her arms wildly) "But I don't wanna!" (huddles in the corner with her back to everyone; clinging to her Shika-plushie and muttering to herself)

Ariagon: (sighs, starts thinking)

Pippin: (lightbulb, whispers into M's ear)

Mithranda: (twitches as P speaks; then jumps in front of everyone, yells) "Treasure, here I come! Let's go!"

Ariagon & Stevolas: (think) 'Treasure?' (turn to Pippin)

Pippin: (grins, holds up plushie) "Anime collectibles anywun?"

Mithranda: (snatches plushie, runs down the path)

Pippin: (runs after her, sings) "Follow the leader, the leader, the leader-"

Ariagon & Stevolas: (sweatdrop)

(Ariagon runs after them, snatching up Frieda along the way. The Fellowship disappears the way they came from; behind them a small mound of snow shakes, and a squirrel jumps out and after them)

Glorfindel: (indignant) "Hey! Wait for me!"

End

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Well everyone? Love? Hate? Meh, don't care, so long as it's read. Hope you enjoyed, and no flames please!


	3. On the bridge of Khazaddûm

A/N: No. Reviews. (breaks down and cries) Oh well, bound to happen. After all, most people are into yaoi or Mary Sue, so our stories are completely unwanted. Nevertheless, I shall continue my quest to bring in stories! Even the outrageous ones...

Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR, Frodo, Merry and Sam would be having loads of fun right now, and Leggie would be my pet. So no. I don't own it.

* * *

On the bridge of Khazad-dûm

(Everyone has crossed the bridge except Mithranda, who's facing off the Balrog. The Balrog growls menacingly.)

Mithranda: (gulps) "Ummmm... guys?"

(She turns around. Ariagon and Stevolas are holding up a banner saying 'Go Mithranda'. Pippin gives her the thumbs up and a loud "Yosh!"; Frieda's on the phone mumbling with her back turned. M sweatdrops and a vein pops on the back of her head, then she turns around again.)

Mithranda: (gathering up courage; raises her staff) "I'm the wielder of the flame of Udûn – which is in the staff because the sword is copyrighted and Ariagon said I can't use weapons."

(The Balrog sweatdrops and looks over at A who is looking to the side and whistling innocently. M holds up her staff and prepares to slam it into the bridge.)

Mithranda: "YOU – SHALL NOT –" (suddenly her right foot slips and she falls off the bridge)

(as she's falling) "Nobody touch my anime while I'm gone..."

(Everyone stares down into the chasm blankly. The orcs are all sweatdropping. Then suddenly the Balrog looks over at the Fellowship with sparkle-eyes. Everyone gulps. The B steps onto the bridge, cracking his whip – then the bridge cracks. He stares at the bridge, then at the Fellowship, sweatdrops, and falls as the bridge collapses. The Fellowship then quickly escape out of Moria. Fis sobbing uncontrollably.)

Ariagon: (stern) "I know it's sad that Mithranda's gone, but we have to keep going!"

Frieda: (teary-eyed) "But – but – she still has my phone credit!" (wails)

(Ariagon sweatdrops. Mithranda, still falling, sneezes)

END

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So? Whatta ya think?

...Meh, don't care, it's just fun anyway. Toodles!


	4. Lord of the Phone poem

Author's Note: And I'm back! ...Who am I kidding, I never even left... I need a life...

Disclaimer: I do not own poetry in its basic form, nor the poem Tolkien wrote that's just too interesting to contain; which is why I made my own! :3

* * *

3 phones to Sweden, easily deceived.

7 to China, to copy they received.

9 to Japan, the quality increased.

1 for the Dark Lord, whose phone bills never ceased.

In the land of typing, for smses written fast.

One phone to call them all, one phone (with camera!),

One phone, with friendslist long, and ceaselessly contact them.

In the land of phonebills (for repeating the same phrase is dumb!)

* * *

And that's our dear Lord of the Phone poem! (le gasp) No flaming!


	5. The shampoo commercial

A/N: And we're back! With Reviews! 'bows' Thank you to Dragon and Chalice for the sweetness!

Now this little story here is just a little random side thing me and my friends made up; as you might remember in the introduction, our dear Pippin has very frizzy and unruly hair. So, why not make...

A shampoo commercial!

I know, sounds lame. But hey! Randomness is in my blood! (courtesy of my friends).

Disclaimer: ….wait, this chapter has nothing to do with LOTR! O.O Up yours lawyers! :3

* * *

The shampoo commercial

(Everything is dark. Suddenly the lights turn on, revealing Pippin in the centre of what looks like a commercial stage, with the spotlights on her. Behind her back is a huge sign saying 'Hairball Essence')

Pippin: (Does exaggerated motions throughout her speech) "Ladies and gentle gents! Is your hair unruly and extremely frizzy?" (points at her own hair) "Would you like to have sleek hair like the movie stars or even elves? Well I have the solution!" (pulls out a bottle and shows it off) "Hairball Essence: Sleek and Shiny! Perfect for those knotted, dull hairdos of the past. A completely new formula allows Hairball Essence to turn your hair from this -" (pulls out Ariagon, covered in mud with flies buzzing around her and her hair completely knotted. She's just confused and stares at the 'camera') "- to this!" (pushes A off the stage; pulls Stevolas up from the other side: his hair is very shiny and washed, without any knots or stray hairs. He doesn't want to be on stage and pulls at his arm, a vein popping on his forehead)

(Suddenly P lets go, and S stumbles off the stage; she starts pointing at a random phone number in the upper right corner)

Pippin: "Call now, and receive a discount of 20%! Order a six-pack, and we'll throw in this sleek grey beard for free!" (holds up a grey beard)

(During the last part Frieda sits under the phone number and points up at it while holding her own phone to her ear. Suddenly Mithranda appears without her beard and snatches the beard out of P's hand. She stomps off)

Pippin: (sweatdrops) "Ummm... looks like we're out of beards people! However, the offer still stands! Order a six-pack, and you will get -" (grabs a squirrel out of nowhere and holds it up) "- this squirrel for free!"

(Tiny Glorfindel steps onto the stage, a vein popping. Both he and the squirrel attack Pippin at the same time, causing a dust cloud while they're fighting. A random object flies out of it and hits the 'camera' causing the image to flicker. A maintenance image appears, reading "Please wait a moment" with underneath a chibi P being chased by a chibi Fellowship)

END

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There ya goes, people! Read & Review!

Pippin: Why did I have to end up being chased?

Me: SQUIRREL!!!

Pippin: O.O WHERE!!!

Me: That's why x3


	6. Balin's Tomb

A/N: Wow, I haven't visited this site in ages! O.O Oh, well here's the next part, where a few things are explained xP

Disclaimer: How often do you want to uproot me by repeating it? I. Don't. Own. (goes to a corner and cries)

* * *

Balin's Tomb (and other such nasty places)

(Everyone has travelled quite a while; tired and irritated they enter Balin's tomb and look at the chaos; Ariadon picks up the book and reads from it)

Ariadon: (reading) "We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long... The ground shakes... Drums... Drums in the deep..."

Pippin: (annoyed) "Great, so the orcs had a party, and the dwarves were 'buzzkilled'. Can we leave now?"

(A whacks P over the head with her scabbard without looking. As P grumbles and rubs her head, she mutters)

Ariadon: (mutter) "It's true that we better leave now, otherwise the orcs will come and surround us, and then the Balrog would come, and then –"

(P, Frieda and Stevolas stare at A, and say "Huh?" simultaneously; Mithranda is nowhere to be seen)

Ariadon: (notices them staring) "What? This is a parody based on the real story; isn't it obvious what's going to happen next?"

(S, P and F shake their heads.)

Frieda: "What's a Balrog?"

Ariadon: (dumbfounded) "What are you talking about? Don't you have the script?" (pulls the script out from behind her back)

Stevolas: "We have a script?" (pulls out his) "I thought this story was getting ridiculous..." (throws away the script; pulls out a mirror) "Apart from myself of course." (starts grooming)

Frieda: (reads the script; lightbulb goes on) "So that's what a Balrog is! ...why does it have wings when it doesn't even fly?"

(A sweatdrops. Suddenly she notices movement behind the tomb. Going there she sees M sorting the different skulls and spears in orderly piles, muttering. Sweatdropping more, A approaches her warily)

Ariadon: (cautiously) "Mith? Are you ok?"

Mithranda: (breathing heavily) "I – can't – stand – this – MESS!" (jumps up, nerve popping, and turns to the fellowship) "Everyone, roll up your sleeves; we are cleaning this place up NOW!"

Stevolas: (confused) "Why would I do that? My hands will get dirty." (P and F nod)

Mithranda: (draws Glamdring; steam coming out of her mouth) "Clean this place up. Now."

(S gulps, then shrieks and runs as M chases him, swinging the sword like a battle-ax. F and P pull out popcorn and watch from the sidelines as M chases S around the tomb, going in circles. Eventually A draws courage and whacks M with her scabbard so that she falls face-first; G slips away into the well, making a clanging noise. Drums start beating.)

Ariadon: (mutters) "Great, just great."

(After an hour of fighting all the orcs are dead, the fellowship dirty and even more tired. M, tied up, is bowing and apologising, as A stares down at her angrily)

Ariadon: "You –" (points menacingly at M) "are hereby forbidden to carry any other weapons than your staff; that should be enough to face the Balrog."

Mithranda: (puzzled) "What Balrog?"

(A ignores her and turns to the well that G disappeared into; on it in slightly faded lettering is written: 'Well of Copyright Protection' A sweatdrops, then shrugs and turns, grabs M by the collar and drags her out of the tomb; P, F and S follow)

* * *

And there ya go! Interesting, eh? Next up is Lothlorien x3


End file.
